Today I met up with my ex girlfriend, the one I’ve been talking about on here for the past year or so.

It didn’t go so well.

For the record, I was extremely hurt when she broke up with me, I haven’t seen her in two and a half years, and we didn’t talk much after the breakup either. The occasional messages were sent but I always told her I wasn’t ready.

Today I felt ready.

We had exchanged emails for the past month or so, talking about what’s been going on with her life, mine, etc. Honestly I felt fine. I had asked her brother for her email, but I decided to wait until my exams were over to email her. A week later I get an email, from her, (who I haven’t talked to in over a year) that said “Why did you want my email”. I guess her brother told her I asked, and what happened was she got very impatient, because she was excited. Yes, she was excited. She’s always been excited to have the chance to meet me. She’s said it over and over, and I can tell in the messages. She seemed SO happy that I decided to meet up with her. I figured I was pretty over her, and I figured it would really make her happy when we met.

Today I went to her house. Nervous the entire way. I thought to myself “you idiot, what are you doing”, “turn around”, etc. I felt so nervous the entire time. I went to her house, knocked on her door, and there she was. I said “hey”, to which she said “hey, hold on I’ll grab my sandals”.

Now this might seem odd, and it is. We had decided to meet up at her place to go for a walk in the parks and stuff. But, I was still amazed. She hasn’t seen me face to face in two and a half years, and that’s the greeting I get. No hug, how are you, nothing.

So we walk around and talk for hours. It was great, I actually enjoyed it. Now, she does have a boyfriend. I know nothing of him other than his name is “Kevin”. I posted on here before when I added her on facebook (to once again, make her happy), which is where I saw she was in a relationship with him. I didn’t handle that well.

But we discussed a lot of good things. Our future, stuff we’ve been doing, etc. She would occasionally mention “Kevin”, but also say “him”. I think she knew, that I knew, that she was dating a guy named Kevin. So it was fine.

Everything was going great until while we were walking, two of her friends (one male one female), were around. We went over to them, and she hugged them both. Friends she’s seen already last week. I don’t need to say more.

She never asked me a single question about whether or not I had a girlfriend. That’s fine too, but odd. I don’t expect her too. I’m not asking her a bunch of questions about her boyfriend either.

We go back to her place, and we talk there for a little while longer. Kevin was mentioned a few more times. A while later, she says “Hey my ride is here, sorry to end it so abruptly, do you have a ride home?”. I did, so it was fine. Her parents came in and said “Where are you going?”, she replied “Dinner with Kevin”.

Now I know he’s outside, waiting for her. I get my shoes on, she goes outside to tell him (he’s in his car) that she will be a few more minutes. I get my wallet, and I’m ready to leave. I tell her “It was really nice seeing you again”, and she said “you too”. That was it.

As I was walking away, there was Kevin in his AUDI. I walked by it, I couldn’t have the heart to look through the window. I couldn’t see the guy who was dating the girl who I loved (I’ve never seen my father before, because he left my mother when she was born. I’ve had the opportunity to see a picture, I’ve refused every time). I couldn’t do it. I put my head down and walked by.

I feel like the worst, most awful, pile of shit.

I didn’t feel like she missed me at all. From the greeting to the end, it felt like I was her brother or something. That it was no big deal that I was there. I’m not expecting me to be a big deal, but I just think that maybe, just maybe, if you haven’t seen an ex boyfriend in two and a half years, who you dated for almost two years, who you are very excited to see, you would hug them, or show them some kind of affection.

I only wanted her to be single for ease of mind. To know that she’s got some hot-something boyfriend driving her everywhere, just really upsets me.

Maybe she didn’t show me any form of affection because she knew I was fragile. Maybe she knew how I was probably feeling, I don’t know. But, to be honest, I really doubt that.

None of this is her fault. I don’t think she did anything wrong per-se, I wasn’t ready. I thought I was ready, and I absolutely wasn’t. Seeing her wasn’t the issue, I could talk to her all day and not feel a thing. It was hearing her boyfriends name, seeing his car. I couldn’t handle it.

I don’t regret going, because had I of not gone, I would of never known how I really feel, and how she feels. The general vibe from us hanging out was “You know what, I could never talk to her again, and she probably wouldn’t care”. What she’s told me through Facebook from a year ago, and from email recently, just doesn’t match up to the way she was around me. It’s like saying you’re super excited to go to Europe, and being apathetic about it during the whole trip.

Please, don’t ever see an ex when you still have feelings. I was 99% over her, but that wasn’t enough. I want to regret meeting her, but I can’t. I want to be angry at her, but it would be wrong. It’s not her fault, it’s mine. I can’t accept she’s with someone new. I’m the problem.

The ride home was just awful. Constantly thinking about the things she said, just feeling so awful. I’ve never felt so bad in my life. I can’t believe I did this to myself. I should of listened to everyone who told me not to do it. But, on the ride home I saw something. I saw something that made me realize I’m going to be absolutely, positively, fine.

I saw some big, white, fluffy, beautiful clouds.

Sure I feel awful right now. Sure I’ll feel pretty bad tomorrow too, but I know that I’ll move on. As hard as it is to find someone, I’m sure I will. I’m sure there’s a girl out there that’s really for me. I’m sure of this.

Please feel free to message me and write what you think. I’m always curious about what others think of a situation. It might help me too. I would appreciate it :)

Until then I can only stay positive and focus on the future. It’s a shame the girl I loved so much, isn’t in my life anymore. I will not be friends until I find someone who I’m 100%, happy, and in love with. If that takes a year, two years, five years, then that’s fine. This might be my last post about her too. I know I made this tumblr to outlet my feelings when our breakup was rough, and it’s weird knowing I made this because of her, but I don’t think of it like that anymore. This tumblr isn’t about her anymore. It’s about clouds, and all of you amazing people who have followed me and helped me through the roughest part of my life so far.

In the end I’ll know I’ll be happy. 

:)

Just wanted to thank the people that have kept following me. There’s been times when I’ve posted absolutely nothing, and while I did lose some followers, people sticked around.

Just wanted to thank you, and the new people following me too :)

Back home for Christmas. Well, so is my ex. No big deal, just be smart, you won’t run into her. Well, three problems.

First, I overhear from my ex’s brother that her and her ex broke up recently. Now, in the way I overheard it, they COULD of been talking about someone else, but I’m pretty confident I heard her name.

Secondly, a week later at a new years eve party, have a friends girlfriend ask you in the middle of the night why me and my ex broke up. I explain she just lost feelings for me, which she then replies with information that I shouldn’t care, because her new boyfriend is a “freak” or something.

Great, just what I wanted to here. I tried to ignore the two, but thirdly? I just woke up from this very long, vivid dream of me and her. If I hadn’t of had a dream about her, I wouldn’t of cared. But now I really know it’s in my head.

It would be so awkward if we were friends. It would be the relationship where one person tries, and the other gives zero in return. She would be talking to me frequently, trying to be nice, and I’d just give bullshit one answer replies, because I do not want to be her friend.

It would be a shitty thing to do right now, tell her I never want to be friends. I guess I’ll wait a bit.

She’s such a nice person, she never really did anything wrong. This probably looks so bad on my part.

Happy New Year

Hello tumblr. How are you?

I’d like to thank everyone first of all. I made this tumblr as an outlet of some feelings I was having a while back. People here were definitely nice and helpful. It’s the little things that can make you realize the bigger picture. Tumblr can be an amazing place, it made me realize I continued to like people more and more here, even though they were complete strangers. Tumblr makes you love people you don’t know, while Facebook makes you hate the people you know.

Anyway, I am feeling a lot better about my ex. I’ve been having pretty much zero dreams about her, she enters my mind every once in a while, but she doesn’t dominate it like she used to. I don’t ever think I can be friends with her, which almost upsets even me. I know how badly she wants to be friends, and how much of a nice, caring person she is, yet I don’t think we can ever be friends. Who knows, maybe in a few years that might change. I’m not in a relationship with anyone right now, and I don’t plan to. No, it’s not because of her, it’s because I don’t want to be with anyone right now really.

If I’ve learned anything, it’s that dating in your 20’s should purely be for fun, and nothing serious. If anything, don’t date at all. You’re in college or university, figuring our your career and life path, where you want to live, what you want to do, how you want to be. Those years are for you. I think it’s silly to want to figure all of that out, and give yourself more obstacles during the process, aka dating someone. I understand you can fall in love when you’re 19 or younger, and keep them for a long time, I get that. It’s understandable. But if I can give any advice, it’s to worry about your happiness. Figure yourself out first, figure out what you want to do, what you love to do, where you want to be, and what makes you happy. Figure all of that out, and you’ve got it.

I haven’t slept in a day or so, because of that, this could be the equivalent of drunk tumbling, who knows. I hope I made someone out there smile, made them happy, or anything positive really. I feel like I belong here to make others happy, so I’m trying to figure that out.

This isn’t my last post, but for some reason it feels like I’m typing it as if it were my last post. I’ll always be around. People here are too amazing to let go. If you’re reading this, please comment if you can. I love to hear feedback from people, it helps me a lot.

The winter break is coming up, and for some reason I feel like meeting up with my ex. Just to catch up. I don’t want to be friends with her, but I don’t think it would hurt to see her. Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. Sometimes I think that what if her personality changed? What if she’s a person I couldn’t even be friends with? If that were to happen, I think that would help me a lot. I would know that I’m not with someone I would even want to be with anymore.

I have an urge to put a picture of myself on here. Maybe it will ruin the CloudsWithLove experience for some people, maybe it won’t. I’m not ugly by any means, but people can fixate an ‘ideal’ image of what I am. Not sure what to do. I’ve been asked before, but I feel like it takes away from this tumblr. But, I feel that the least I could do for the people following me since day one is post a picture of myself.

My name is Bryan, and I love all of you.

Reading back on some of the things I’ve said on here, I put some pretty harsh and hateful stuff. I’m happy I don’t feel that way anymore.

I’m doing alright :)

At least, that’s what my dreams are telling me.

More clouds to follow.

I cant remember HOW I got into her car. I just remember driving with her, and not knowing where we were going. I wanted to just get out and walk back home and tell her I’ll talk to her later, but that didn’t happen. We kept driving and I realized we were going to her house. I was kind of happy, but I remember her saying something along the lines of “there you go, you don’t need to be sad around me” or something. Something that basically meant that I shouldn’t be depressed around her, I should just be happy.

We went to her house and a bunch of her brothers friends were outside (Who are also my friends too). They were hanging out and we hung out with them. I remember they wanted to go to a store, I didn’t want to go. she sat there the entire time and talked a bit, I just remember kind of being happy.

Then, I remember sleeping on a couch outside in her front lawn. I guess all of her brothers friends went home. I was afraid of bears or something, so I went inside. Her house was almost empty, I think they were moving. This is actually plausible in real life because they own property somewhere and have always been planning to build a house there and move into it. I knew she was sleeping upstairs, but I didn’t know if she was with someone or something. The main feeling I had during this entire dream, was that if she had a boyfriend or not. I didn’t know, so that’s all I was thinking about.

So it was dark and i was inside of her house. I noticed two older, rougher looking women outside looking at her front lawn, going through stuff. I guess they wanted to take stuff or something. I looked out the back window, and I saw some giraffe type animal, taunting a moose. the moose rushed it, and started swinging it around with its mouse, I was worried it was going to release it at the house. it never did release the giraffe.

Then I woke up.

I don’t know what to make of these dreams anymore. I’ve looked into it online a bit, it seems that I’m somehow holding onto something in real life, and my dreams can’t move on unless I move on.

I’m not sure what to do anymore. Lets say I meet up with her for coffee or something. What would happen? Just some talk about how I’ve done nothing with my life since then breakup, and that she’s probably had the time of her life since?

I hate to dwell, it’s just these dreams get really, really annoying. Very frustrating. I don’t know what my mind can’t understand, I want NOTHING to do with her. Nothing.

Suggestions would be nice if anyone has any. I would really appreciate them. I’m also sorry about no pictures lately, I’ve been very busy. I honestly feel bad. I’ll make it up to you.

I really do.

I keep getting these thoughts in my head. They come on their own, I have no control of it. I just keep thinking about my ex with her current boyfriend, them having sex, etc. It happens for only a few seconds. I sometimes get an overwhelming feeling from it, sometimes I feel a bit lightheaded for a split second. I don’t know what to do.

I just need some help with this. Guidance, anything. I thought writing about it here might help, I can’t tell if it’s helped or not. I need to get rid of her in my head. I don’t want to remember any aspect of her.

Someone please help. Please?

I don’t know why I’m having these dreams, but I’ll explain my dream last night.

When I woke up from it, I immediately realized it was the worst experience of my life.

The dream was that I met up with my friend, who happens to be the brother of my ex. For some reason, he told me she wasn’t in town, so I went over to his place. I went for a nap in his bed, and when I woke up, she was standing there. She was all super happy and bubbly and nice and said “hi”. I said “hi” back, and she asked me how I was doing. I just looked at my feet and didn’t say anything.

Next everyone including her family was in the kitchen and the living room preparing some dinner. I remember a hockey game on the TV. She was still super nice and happy and just in a really good mood, talking about things she saw. I just remember standing there just trying to zone her out, trying to think that she wasn’t there. I wanted to leave, but I had to tell my friend first that I was going to go. The problem was that I could never get the chance to. This happened for the majority of the dream.

Then her boyfriend walks in. He looked kind of like a hipster. Somewhat emo haircut, he was attractive, looked slightly like a douchebag. The interesting part was that when he came in, she said hi, but was no longer happy and bubbly towards him. She was just talking to him like normally, but to everyone else she would be very happy. I remember I still didn’t say a word about it. The interesting part about this is that it’s exactly something she would do in real life. I remember that happened with me a few times.

After that, I remember going back to the bedroom I was having the nap in, remembering how I just completely ignored her that entire night, and I woke up.

When I woke up I almost cried, but didn’t. I remember breathing heavily in and out, like I was out of breath. This was one of the worst things I’ve experienced in my life, and I’m not even sure if I know why.

It sort of makes me think that maybe I’ve said some mean things about her on here, and maybe I shouldn’t of. After all, she really is a nice and caring person.

My mind is either trying to tell me something, or is playing tricks on me.

I had a dream last night, I thought I would forget it through out the day, but I didn’t.

In the dream I had met up with my ex behind some grocery store, it was night time. All I remember, is that we were back together. I can’t remember if we had sex, for some reason I remember it, not sure.

The entire dream I had the feeling of unconfidence, insecurity of my decision to never go back to her, ever again. My feelings weren’t resolved at the end of the dream.

I think it was my mind telling me something, I don’t know what. Maybe I need to rethink my hatred towards her. The mind words in amazing ways. Dreams are a way for your mind to tell you something you wouldn’t of realized consciously. It’s happened before to me, blew me away when I realized it.

Back to the drawing board I go.

I was afraid that the hate would come, but it is.

I hate you for wasting two years of my life for nothing. I hate you for guilt tripping me for trivial bullshit. I hate you for being so cute and innocent and just turning your back on everything. I hate you for not giving things another chance, for just giving up instantly because you weren’t happy with one thing. I hate you for pretty much ruining everything.

Fuck you. I should of never dated you. I should of focused on what I wanted in life, what I’m doing now, what makes me feel successful. It’s the only thing I focus on, and it bugs me when I think back to when we were together, and to think that I didn’t improve on what I loved. I just continued to maintain what I had. I never got better.

Well I am better now. I’m fucking excellent.

I never want to see you again, for a long, long time.

#almost there